The Star Wars Holiday SpecialCreated by George Lucas
Directed by Steve Binder
Starring Wookiees
VERDICT: The undeniable peak of human achievement
If you've at all paid attention to the Star Wars franchise, you know that George Lucas is a humble man. So humble, in fact, that he doesn't want you to think that he had anything to do with the Star Wars Holiday Special, despite it being, without question, the greatest achievement of art in any medium that the human race has thus far produced. Few have seen it since its initial historic airdate: November 17th, 1978. So just how good is the Holiday Special? From truefacts.org: "Multiple studies[3] by the University of South Carolina have shown that 63% of randomly selected viewers are fully retarded after an initial viewing of the Star Wars Holiday Special." Though it has not been proven conclusively, it is thought that this unfortunate side-effect is due to the sheer self-loathing created in viewer's minds for not having the genius to create the Holiday Special themselves. In other words, compared to George Lucas, we are all retarded. And still, the man won't take credit for this masterpiece, suggesting he was merely a "producer." I suppose, in a sense, that's true. The Star Wars Holiday Special could not simply have been made by George Lucas. That would take us too many steps removed from his genius for such a surreal experience to have made it onto TV. No, the Special is like peering directly into his mind, as if one could snap a million MRI scans of the Master's brain, take the results and form a flip-book out of them. This is his vision, so pure and undiluted that it is literally dangerous for human consumption--for why else would George Lucas say "If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would track down every copy of that show and smash it." George Lucas knows how frail our inferior geniuses are, and he wishes to spare us the staggering contrast that is literally so mind-blowing as to blow your mind. Literally.
So I've talked this shit up quite a bit, but how do you know it's legit? I don't want to spoil the veritable cornucopia of treasures that await within, but the Special's got so much to give (and give it hard) that a little tease is just going to make it all go down easier. The basic premise, since this is a TV special from 1978, is a Star Wars variety show, with both familiar and original characters, musical interludes (including a holographic performance by Jefferson Starship viewed by an Imperial officer on his computer), dance sequences, cartoon interludes and a sensuous interactive holographic spaceporn sequence which is also a musical number.
George Lucas dares to ask: what do irrelevant background characters do in their spare time? The Star Wars Holiday Special introduces us to Chewbecca's family, three hideously-deformed Wookiees who, despite their tragic cleft-palates, resulting speech impediments and general social retardation, make a hard-working living on the Wookiee Planet in the midst of a Galactic War, torn by the knowledge that their son is in constant grave danger. In the introductory sequence, we follow the family through fifteen minutes of their daily grind on Life Day--the Star Wars equivalent of Christmas, since apparently the planet was first settled by ambiguously spiritual, unimaginative hippies. The nuance and subtlety with which Lucas captures these characters eliminates the need for subtitles, and thus we follow their growling and honking verbatim, a scene of such staggering drama and passion that it literally never seems to end. But, alas, evil is afoot, and soon other stuff happens. Fucking other stuff. And might I add: oh, does fucking other stuff happen. Because it does. "Mark Hamill" sublimely models a new blond wig and enough makeup to smother a small child, Harrison Ford delivers a performance of such understated subtlety and stoney-faced calm that he almost ceases to exist, and, once we shift to some new character who bumbles around and does some stuff for some reason that advances what one might eventually begin to suspect is a plot, we are treated to a tension-filled confrontation between this shop-owner and a haughty Imperial officer who does not wish to buy a pocket-sized fish tank.
It's hard to chronicle the many reasons why the Special is so startlingly, stupefyingly, horrifically, enormously good. Only a keen mind like Lucas' would think to include a 20 minute sequence in which 0ne of the Wookiees watches a cooking show hosted by a purple, four-armed, "zany" alien chef, who also dances. Or how about a musical number by none other than Bea Arthur? And did we mention Jefferson Starship? That shit is real, I wasn't making it up. It's that good. How does Lucas find time for such unblinking, unending, true-to-life detail? Our senses are gloriously assaulted with scenes of Wookiees enjoying their interminable daily humdrum, idle domestic time-passing, interminable daily time-passing, idle daily humdrum... and the resulting surrealist purple-tinged sexually suggestive hallucinations. To eliminate the risk of us getting bored, the characters occasionally partake in entertainment themselves, which we, therefore, are also partaking in. When Little Wookiee watches a cartoon, yes, that cartoon is ours for the viewing as well. On Life Day, motherfuckers share.
I cannot stress enough the vibrant, enthusiastic performances by the actors in the Special. Harrison Ford gives, without question, the performance of his career, especially considering how handicapped he must have been by the overwhelming urge to kill himself and everyone he had ever met that he so clearly displays in every scene he's in. The nearly-lifelike performance of "Mark Hamill" demonstrates just how far Lucas had advanced animatronics in 1978, creating uncanny, humanlike emoting that pushed the very limits of puppetry and technology for the time. As the Star Wars Holiday Special aired only once, was never released on any media whatsoever, and is punishable by death in most countries outside the US, one tends to forget that hundreds, possibly thousands of people were involved in the making of this forgotten gem, that millions of dollars were considered, accepted and spent in the creation of it, and that, somewhere along the way, any one of those involved could have stopped and suggested: "No. This is too pure and terrible a light to shine upon the ignorant masses. It will cause them to melt like a Nazi opening the Arc of the Covenant."
Melt, ye masses. Melt. The Star Wars Holiday Special is more powerful than any drug ever created, more surreal than any pot-fueled trip, even if Jenkins made the fucking cookies (fucking Jenkins). It will own you. And you will not survive it.
So I've talked this shit up quite a bit, but how do you know it's legit? I don't want to spoil the veritable cornucopia of treasures that await within, but the Special's got so much to give (and give it hard) that a little tease is just going to make it all go down easier. The basic premise, since this is a TV special from 1978, is a Star Wars variety show, with both familiar and original characters, musical interludes (including a holographic performance by Jefferson Starship viewed by an Imperial officer on his computer), dance sequences, cartoon interludes and a sensuous interactive holographic spaceporn sequence which is also a musical number.
George Lucas dares to ask: what do irrelevant background characters do in their spare time? The Star Wars Holiday Special introduces us to Chewbecca's family, three hideously-deformed Wookiees who, despite their tragic cleft-palates, resulting speech impediments and general social retardation, make a hard-working living on the Wookiee Planet in the midst of a Galactic War, torn by the knowledge that their son is in constant grave danger. In the introductory sequence, we follow the family through fifteen minutes of their daily grind on Life Day--the Star Wars equivalent of Christmas, since apparently the planet was first settled by ambiguously spiritual, unimaginative hippies. The nuance and subtlety with which Lucas captures these characters eliminates the need for subtitles, and thus we follow their growling and honking verbatim, a scene of such staggering drama and passion that it literally never seems to end. But, alas, evil is afoot, and soon other stuff happens. Fucking other stuff. And might I add: oh, does fucking other stuff happen. Because it does. "Mark Hamill" sublimely models a new blond wig and enough makeup to smother a small child, Harrison Ford delivers a performance of such understated subtlety and stoney-faced calm that he almost ceases to exist, and, once we shift to some new character who bumbles around and does some stuff for some reason that advances what one might eventually begin to suspect is a plot, we are treated to a tension-filled confrontation between this shop-owner and a haughty Imperial officer who does not wish to buy a pocket-sized fish tank.
It's hard to chronicle the many reasons why the Special is so startlingly, stupefyingly, horrifically, enormously good. Only a keen mind like Lucas' would think to include a 20 minute sequence in which 0ne of the Wookiees watches a cooking show hosted by a purple, four-armed, "zany" alien chef, who also dances. Or how about a musical number by none other than Bea Arthur? And did we mention Jefferson Starship? That shit is real, I wasn't making it up. It's that good. How does Lucas find time for such unblinking, unending, true-to-life detail? Our senses are gloriously assaulted with scenes of Wookiees enjoying their interminable daily humdrum, idle domestic time-passing, interminable daily time-passing, idle daily humdrum... and the resulting surrealist purple-tinged sexually suggestive hallucinations. To eliminate the risk of us getting bored, the characters occasionally partake in entertainment themselves, which we, therefore, are also partaking in. When Little Wookiee watches a cartoon, yes, that cartoon is ours for the viewing as well. On Life Day, motherfuckers share.
I cannot stress enough the vibrant, enthusiastic performances by the actors in the Special. Harrison Ford gives, without question, the performance of his career, especially considering how handicapped he must have been by the overwhelming urge to kill himself and everyone he had ever met that he so clearly displays in every scene he's in. The nearly-lifelike performance of "Mark Hamill" demonstrates just how far Lucas had advanced animatronics in 1978, creating uncanny, humanlike emoting that pushed the very limits of puppetry and technology for the time. As the Star Wars Holiday Special aired only once, was never released on any media whatsoever, and is punishable by death in most countries outside the US, one tends to forget that hundreds, possibly thousands of people were involved in the making of this forgotten gem, that millions of dollars were considered, accepted and spent in the creation of it, and that, somewhere along the way, any one of those involved could have stopped and suggested: "No. This is too pure and terrible a light to shine upon the ignorant masses. It will cause them to melt like a Nazi opening the Arc of the Covenant."
Melt, ye masses. Melt. The Star Wars Holiday Special is more powerful than any drug ever created, more surreal than any pot-fueled trip, even if Jenkins made the fucking cookies (fucking Jenkins). It will own you. And you will not survive it.
what? no mention of the wookie porn???
ReplyDeletealso, why did you delete the short story you had posted here a couple days ago? I liked it.
I mentioned the part where he was watching porn. Twice. It's just too overwhelming to detail explicitly. It wouldn't be work appropriate.
ReplyDeleteI just posted that so Jim could copy it when he didn't have access to email. I can send it to you if you want.
The porn was arguably the most important part of the movie. It demonstrated that, even in a galaxy far, far away, all creatures harvest the need for visual stimulation. As Coleridge said, "he prayeth best that loveth best / All creatures great and small / For the dear God who loveth us / He made and loveth all."
ReplyDeleteWhoever made Wookiee porn truly "loveth best" every creature on earth, from the "small" humans watching the film to the invariably "great" manpower of the porn-addicted Wookiee. Did it deserve more attention? Yes. It deserves its own article.