SPECIAL HOLIDAY REVIEW: THE STARS WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL

The Star Wars Holiday Special
Created by George Lucas
Directed by Steve Binder
Starring Wookiees
VERDICT: The undeniable peak of human achievement

If you've at all paid attention to the Star Wars franchise, you know that George Lucas is a humble man. So humble, in fact, that he doesn't want you to think that he had anything to do with the Star Wars Holiday Special, despite it being, without question, the greatest achievement of art in any medium that the human race has thus far produced. Few have seen it since its initial historic airdate: November 17th, 1978. So just how good is the Holiday Special? From truefacts.org: "Multiple studies[3] by the University of South Carolina have shown that 63% of randomly selected viewers are fully retarded after an initial viewing of the Star Wars Holiday Special." Though it has not been proven conclusively, it is thought that this unfortunate side-effect is due to the sheer self-loathing created in viewer's minds for not having the genius to create the Holiday Special themselves. In other words, compared to George Lucas, we are all retarded. And still, the man won't take credit for this masterpiece, suggesting he was merely a "producer." I suppose, in a sense, that's true. The Star Wars Holiday Special could not simply have been made by George Lucas. That would take us too many steps removed from his genius for such a surreal experience to have made it onto TV. No, the Special is like peering directly into his mind, as if one could snap a million MRI scans of the Master's brain, take the results and form a flip-book out of them. This is his vision, so pure and undiluted that it is literally dangerous for human consumption--for why else would George Lucas say "If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would track down every copy of that show and smash it." George Lucas knows how frail our inferior geniuses are, and he wishes to spare us the staggering contrast that is literally so mind-blowing as to blow your mind. Literally.

So I've talked this shit up quite a bit, but how do you know it's legit? I don't want to spoil the veritable cornucopia of treasures that await within, but the Special's got so much to give (and give it hard) that a little tease is just going to make it all go down easier. The basic premise, since this is a TV special from 1978, is a Star Wars variety show, with both familiar and original characters, musical interludes (including a holographic performance by Jefferson Starship viewed by an Imperial officer on his computer), dance sequences, cartoon interludes and a sensuous interactive holographic spaceporn sequence which is also a musical number.

George Lucas dares to ask: what do irrelevant background characters do in their spare time? The Star Wars Holiday Special introduces us to Chewbecca's family, three hideously-deformed Wookiees who, despite their tragic cleft-palates, resulting speech impediments and general social retardation, make a hard-working living on the Wookiee Planet in the midst of a Galactic War, torn by the knowledge that their son is in constant grave danger. In the introductory sequence, we follow the family through fifteen minutes of their daily grind on Life Day--the Star Wars equivalent of Christmas, since apparently the planet was first settled by ambiguously spiritual, unimaginative hippies. The nuance and subtlety with which Lucas captures these characters eliminates the need for subtitles, and thus we follow their growling and honking verbatim, a scene of such staggering drama and passion that it literally never seems to end. But, alas, evil is afoot, and soon other stuff happens. Fucking other stuff. And might I add: oh, does fucking other stuff happen. Because it does. "Mark Hamill" sublimely models a new blond wig and enough makeup to smother a small child, Harrison Ford delivers a performance of such understated subtlety and stoney-faced calm that he almost ceases to exist, and, once we shift to some new character who bumbles around and does some stuff for some reason that advances what one might eventually begin to suspect is a plot, we are treated to a tension-filled confrontation between this shop-owner and a haughty Imperial officer who does not wish to buy a pocket-sized fish tank.

It's hard to chronicle the many reasons why the Special is so startlingly, stupefyingly, horrifically, enormously good. Only a keen mind like Lucas' would think to include a 20 minute sequence in which 0ne of the Wookiees watches a cooking show hosted by a purple, four-armed, "zany" alien chef, who also dances. Or how about a musical number by none other than Bea Arthur? And did we mention Jefferson Starship? That shit is real, I wasn't making it up. It's that good. How does Lucas find time for such unblinking, unending, true-to-life detail? Our senses are gloriously assaulted with scenes of Wookiees enjoying their interminable daily humdrum, idle domestic time-passing, interminable daily time-passing, idle daily humdrum... and the resulting surrealist purple-tinged sexually suggestive hallucinations. To eliminate the risk of us getting bored, the characters occasionally partake in entertainment themselves, which we, therefore, are also partaking in. When Little Wookiee watches a cartoon, yes, that cartoon is ours for the viewing as well. On Life Day, motherfuckers share.

I cannot stress enough the vibrant, enthusiastic performances by the actors in the Special. Harrison Ford gives, without question, the performance of his career, especially considering how handicapped he must have been by the overwhelming urge to kill himself and everyone he had ever met that he so clearly displays in every scene he's in. The nearly-lifelike performance of "Mark Hamill" demonstrates just how far Lucas had advanced animatronics in 1978, creating uncanny, humanlike emoting that pushed the very limits of puppetry and technology for the time. As the Star Wars Holiday Special aired only once, was never released on any media whatsoever, and is punishable by death in most countries outside the US, one tends to forget that hundreds, possibly thousands of people were involved in the making of this forgotten gem, that millions of dollars were considered, accepted and spent in the creation of it, and that, somewhere along the way, any one of those involved could have stopped and suggested: "No. This is too pure and terrible a light to shine upon the ignorant masses. It will cause them to melt like a Nazi opening the Arc of the Covenant."

Melt, ye masses. Melt. The Star Wars Holiday Special is more powerful than any drug ever created, more surreal than any pot-fueled trip, even if Jenkins made the fucking cookies (fucking Jenkins). It will own you. And you will not survive it.

ORYX AND CRAKE (BY) MARGARET ATWOOD

Published 2004, 374 pages
Characters: C
Writing: B+
Plot/Pacing: C
Poignancy: B-

Part dystopian future, part last-man-on-earth parable, Oryx and Crake is yet another book in the stack of literary authors attempting to explore genre themes intelligently, once again making it clear that writing good speculative fiction is a hell of a lot harder than anyone realizes. As with many such attempts, the end result reads like an awkward literary experiment more than a convincing warning of our possible future.

Oryx and Crake is the story of Jimmy, his BFF Crake, and mutual love interest Oryx. They live in a future where the earth has become crowded and miserable, where civilization is in the process of disintegrating.  The biggest companies — grown powerful and rich off of bio-engineered food and various disease vaccines — have become self-sustained cities in which their employees live free from the horrors of the outside world. It's not the most original premise, but it doesn't have to be, since Atwood starts out well, lays it out well, really gets into the scope of it all. Bizarrely, it's the trivial details that end up being her first major setback. Atwood approaches her material with a sort of tongue-and-cheek condescension, and just she can't seem to get enough of it. Despite the lack of humor anywhere else in this book, we're meant to believe that corporations in this world have given themselves phonetic, ironically childish names like AnooYoo and RejoovenEsense, and popular genetically altered foods are marketed as Happicuppa coffee and SoyOBoy burgers. And let's not forget the new animals: wolvogs, pigoons and rakunks. Because obviously, the future is silly and quirky, right?
It's grating the first time, nauseating the 100th time, and by the 1000th time you hear one of those goddam terms you wonder if Atwood is using them so often because she's daring you to try to take her story seriously. It's sad, as this lightweight approach to her own creation undermines the fact that her future world is actually  frighteningly realistic, a pretty dreary vision of where we'll be in 100 years.

Crake, from the very start, has ambitions for sweeping all the trash of the world away, though we're never once given a hint as to why. He's smart, has parental issues, is introverted and yet not really a social outcast. Despite providing a good chunk of the novel's dialogue, I can't say I ever really got a good sense of his character. Oryx, a former child pornstar who stumbles upon the male leads when all three are much older, has a complicated backstory that doesn't accomplish anything either. Instead of actually having a role or function in the novel, she's tucked into a series of hushed, post-coital bedroom dialogues. Oyrx could have been used to escalate the drama, to give Crake an identifiable motivation for his actions, to highlight some undeveloped conflict between the main characters... but no. There's no tension, no interplay between the three, no culmination of the mystery behind her that begins with the very first chapter — in fact, Oryx seems to have been placed in the story simply so it could have a female character. Atwood at times does touch upon something poignant, having Jimmy patronize the girl as he demands to know more about her troubled past and the men he imagines must have used her, but these little touches of character seem like part of another story told by other, deeper characters.

How does Atwood manage to accomplish so little? It's almost staggeringly short-sighted, as if she got so fascinated with her pun-based novelty foods that she was forced to skimp on plot. You see, the entire novel is told in flashback. Well, not the entire novel, but damn near 90% of it. The "present" is only there so we know that the world has ended and that Jimmy is the last person left alive (along with some of Crake's genetic hybrid creatures). There is no plot, technically speaking — a series of flashbacks can only result in  the present, thus removing any possible suspense. From the very beginning the reader knows that Crake and Oryx and everyone else are dead, we just don't know how. That's it. It's a self-creating mystery, and not a very complex one. It's immediately obvious that Crake wipes out humanity with a plague because Atwood foreshadows the hell out of it, and anyway, let's be frank here, it's a post-apocalyptic novel so obviously someone in it is going to wipe out humanity with a plague. Yet, despite spending almost the entire story in the novel's past, Atwood manages to explain almost nothing about what happened and the characters who made that almost-nothing happen.

I've focused on the negative aspects of the novel for the most part, because they truly need to be stated. And I could go on, but the point is made. Atwood is a solid writer, and her prose is mostly very strong, the pacing fluid, the characters interesting despite being hugely underutilized. In fact, Oryx and Crake is a remarkably readable novel considering how clumsily Atwood bungles her plot and the many potential paths she could have taken it down. The novel's main fault is that it simply doesn't go anywhere and refuses to make any kind of impact, and I think that eliminates any chance it has for being memorable. There are allusions to the redemption of man's spirit, the damnation of man, the superiority of nature, the horrors of the unnatural, the unstoppable greed of society, the adaptability of society... and yet none of those themes really stick for more than moment. Still, for a book that spends 374 pages treading water, it could have been a disaster and it wasn't. I'm curious to check out Atwood's other books, to see how she handles more comfortable material.

BEER: BEER (BEER)

Red & White - Dogfish Head (DE)
VERDICT: Recommended
Red and White is a witbier all Dogfish'd up, and while the wheat beer base is eventually noticeable after a few sips, the first taste still comes as a bit of a shock. Red and White is split into separate batches after the initial brewing, each aged with different additives before being recombined, and red wine somehow takes a role in the brewing process. Basically, Dogfish doing what Dogfish does. This is actually a pretty good beer for wine fans, as the "red" characteristics comes through clear while riding along on the crisper mouthfeel and easier drink-ability of beer. While not overbearing, there's "tangy" as well as "tart" happening all up in your mouth. But still wheaty. And good. This is a beer that becomes tastier the more of it you have — pretty impressive for 10% ABV.

Trader Joe's Vintage Ale 2009 - Trader Joe's / Unibroue (CAN)
VERDICT: Recommended
Trader Joe's works some magic, and I'm not sure exactly how — magnets, unicorn dust, a tampered-with deck of cards, but they consistently stock their shelves with Hopes and Dreams for quite a bit less than you're used to paying for either of those items. Their special vintage ale, brewed for them by Unibroue and released every late-fall, is only 5 dollars for a 22 ounce bottle, 9% ABV.  Most impressive.  Classy, well designed, cork and all. I want to stress: this is a beer made by a grocery store chain. And it's pretty tasty, too. A dark, rich Belgian dubbel style ale, I expected this to be a mere imitation of a generic style, but it holds up quite well to its European brethren. The taste is strong and smooth, and my initial reaction was a bit of a rootbeer flavor, but the taste continues to escalate as long as you hold it in your mouth, creating a very satisfying, pleasantly carbonated buzz of spices. This goes down easy, despite the high alcohol content, and the aftertaste fades very, very fast — which is good here. There's no unpleasantness at any point, even after killing a whole bottle. As this is a vintage ale brewed only once a year, get it while you can.

Heartland Brewery Smiling Pumpkin Ale - Heartland Brewery (NY)
VERDICT: Indifferent
One of the last pumpkins I've seen around this year, I figured I'd try this one while I had the chance. It's nothing to hold me over until next year, unfortunately. This is basically an unnecessarily stronger version of the blander varieties of pumpkin ale, hitting a lot of spicy, strong taste notes without really creating much of an interesting flavor. It's possible that Heartland makes a few varieties of pumpkin, and since I got this in a growler I'm not sure if it's some weird variation, but the sign said 8% ABV and you can definitely taste it. This is rich, almost on the syrupy side, and makes for a decent winter ale because of the burn, but it gets a little sickly about halfway down the glass. The alcohol and musky spice sensation is far too prominent, and after that sets in you can't really sense any other nuance the beer might have had. It's not the worst I've had, but finishing even a single glass requires some effort.

Jack D'or - Pretty Things Beer & Ale Project (MA)
VERDICT: Good
Saisons are traditionally Belgian ales brewed for summer on farms, but this is a pretty decent American recreation, though on the tame side.  Pretty Things is a new brewery on the scene, and impressed me from the get-go with their innovative bottling and label design — you gotta appreciate the little touches, they let you know these guys take things seriously. But back to the beer: it almost seems like an inverted pale ale, with a hoppy start and sweet finish — probably sweeter than is common for the style, but making for a very smooth, easy mouthfeel. It's crisp and actually seems to develop more texture as it goes on, blended nicely, though with a definite focus on hops above any other flavor. Despite the flowery sensations you get on top of the base of yeast and grains, it never seems overly rich — only earthy and straightforward.

Black Orchard - The Bruery (CA)
VERDICT: Passable
It looks like a stout, smells like a stout, talks shit like a stout, but it's not a stout. I can't really decide what to think about this interesting take on a Belgian dark ale, but it certainly wasn't what I expected, and unlike any of its kin. It pours pitch black with a brownish head, medium-bodied. It really does taste like a stout... a fruity, slightly funky stout with a witbier mouthfeel. Most of the taste comes through the heavy malts and the slight oatmeal stout thing going on, though there is some zing in the end. The stout taste fads early and gives way to other sensations, some of which work, some of which don't, at least until you've had enough for the flavors to normalize. It's not bad, considering the initial shock, but if I wanted a beer like this I'd probably just order something else instead next time.