ADIRONDACK MOUNTAIN CABIN; ZOMBIE FLIES

The weather certainly hates me this fall, but until I figure out which rain gods I'm meant to be sacrificing to, I just try to get hiking or camping or outdoors-at-all at any possible opportunity. Jim, Ali and I have been talking about going to Jim's family house in the Adirondack mountains ever since he moved up here. Thanks to Life, it never happened... until now.

I figured the end of October would be perfect, with the leaves turning and the fall chill settling in for good. The foliage was indeed incredible, and there was plenty of it to see. Unfortunately, it seems to rain any time I might possibly step outdoors, and to my incredible frustration the forecast for this weekend was dismal—but the plans were made, and we weren't likely to get any hiking done if we waited until December and it was all that much colder. At the very, very last minute, Jim's parents also helpfully informed us that it was the first weekend of hunting season, and since we weren't going to be hiking in an actual state park, we were likely to get shot and possibly sodomized should we venture outside. High fives were exchanged in the general spirit of awesomeness.

After enjoying a Young's Double Chocolate Stout on the lovely train ride to Poughkeepsie, Ali and I marched to the newly-opened Hudson River Walkway while awaiting Jim's arrival. It was a bit of a hike to get there, but the Walkway is impressive enough to warrant it—incredibly impressive, actually, considering what I've come to expect from Poughkeepsie. If you've ever been to that asshole of a town, you've seen the train bridge lurking over the Hudson, a huge, strange, slightly-tragic marvel of 1800's engineering. It always looked like a ruin, obviously abandoned at a glance, and so mammoth that it seemed it would bring the whole town down with it, should it ever fall. Turning it into a public park, similar to the Highline in Manhattan, was a brilliant idea. The bridge seems no less vast from atop the modern, unadventurous concrete walkway that now spans it—in fact, it seems all the larger, as you have to walk a good fifteen minutes before you're even over the Hudson itself, and from there the bridge still spans so wide you can't tell what awaits at the other side. Unfortunately, I cannot personally vouch for that discovery, as the sky unleashed its wrath just as we began our trek across the Hudson, forcing us to turn back. It was a cruel torment, but we were starved and thirsty and not in possession of any rain gear, so we resolved to return in less hostile conditions and explore the bridge to its fullest.

A series of revisitations followed from there—Noah's, only to find that Honey Brown is sadly no longer on tap and that Marist students have only become douchier and more bro-tastic; Half Time, my old paramour; and Terrapin, that haven of upscale dining in isolated Rhinebeck. I learned that duck, when applied to a sandwich and bathed in BBQ sauce, is much like pulled-pork, and should never be eaten on a date. That shit is greasy like a Staten Island resident. Eventually, on that rainy eve, our frivolous little trio reached Jimmy's Mountain House in the Adirondacks.

SM Icons

2009 FALL BEER REVIEW

With the style's surging popularity in recent years, it seems almost every micro is now trying their hand at a pumpkin ale. Unlike other "fruit/vegetable" beers, pumpkin beers aren't as much of a gimmick, as the style was common in Colonial times (other beer ingredients, which had to be shipped to the colonies, were more expensive than native pumpkins). Many American breweries often treat "fruit" beers as a trick to entice non-beer-drinkers, and the results rarely hold up. This is still the case with many pumpkin beers, but there are those brave few prepared to craft this fine style as it deserves, demonstrating yet again why beer is the only drink befitting a Civilized Man.

Harvest Moon Pumpkin Ale - Coors Brewing Co. (CO)
Jack's Pumpkin Spice Ale - Anheuser-Busch (MO)
VERDICT: No
Danger, Will Robinson!

Smuttynose Pumpkin Ale - Smuttynose Brewing Company (NH)
Post Road Pumpkin Ale - Brooklyn Brewery (NY)
Pumpkinhead Ale - Shipyard Brewing Co. (ME)
Buffalo Bill's Pumpkin Ale - Buffalo Bill's Brewery (CA)
VERDICT: Meh; meh; meh; meh
All bland, generic ales with some vaguely autumnal spices thrown in. These are otherwise great breweries, and I'm really disappointed how little effort they seemed to put into these seasonal beers.  I do not believe any use actual pumpkin in the brewing process, so they're kind of gimmicks, but yet they're some of the most common found in grocery stores during autumn.  Too bitter or too watery, too bland, barely any pumpkin taste. There are worse beers out there, and these remain (mostly) drinkable, but they give the concept of pumpkin beer a bad face for the general public.

Saranac Pumpkin Ale - The Matt Brewing Company (NY)
VERDICT: Drinkable
Saranac usually makes very fine beers, in my experience — not daring, unique or mindblowing, but consistent, reliable and drinkable. Saranac Pumpkin is unsurprisingly the best of the commonly available six pack pumpkins, and cheap too. The pumpkin taste comes in clear here, and right up-front. There are slight bitter notes, but nothing odd, and the aftertaste is of a pleasant, smooth vanilla that remains until the taste is gone altogether. You can savor this beer or guzzle it, and it works either way. Granted, the pumpkin flavor is never strong, and as it's upfront, it's not wholly memorable or lingering. As the beer sits and you reach the bottom of the bottle, the vanilla becomes far more prominent, all but drowning out the spices. Still, given its price and taste, this is one of the best session pumpkin beers.

Pumpkin Ale - Captain Lawrence (NY)
VERDICT: Good
The Cap'n's pumpkin attempt isn't really the most anything, but it's a bit smoother and richer than the Saranac, and holds its flavor well throughout. The pumpkin taste is never strong, and though you get a bit of that usual bitter-spiciness up front, the overall mouthfeel is very sweet without any exact source that stands out — for good or bad. The taste levels quickly, and the smoothness of this ale means quite a lot of it can go down quickly. Still, for a brewery like this, and a beer that's not even available in bottles, I would have expected and enjoyed a much stronger, bolder flavor.

Will Stevens' Pumpkin Ale - Wolaver's / Otter Creek Brewing (VT)
VERDICT: Decent
Similar to the Captain Lawrence entry, this exuberantly-titled pumpkin is actually fairly plain. A smooth, medium-body ale, this one isn't too spicy, and the pumpkin flavor was subtle but enjoyable. There's also a pleasant lack of bitterness, and the flavoring and mouthfeel are consistent, so it has that going for it. Nothing remarkable, but not bad, so I won't argue with another pumpkin beer to choose from.

Fisherman's Pumpkin Stout - Cape Ann Brewing Company (MA)
VERDICT: Good, though surprisingly unremarkable
Well, this is different. A pumpkin stout. It looks like a stout, certainly the darkest I've seen any pumpkin beer. It mostly tastes like a stout, too, but I wasn't expecting the most pumpkiny thing since the Charlie Brown Halloween Special, either. The pumpkin surges through the mouth as a sort of overtone, never really feeling present but nonetheless adding a tasty character to the beer. Well balanced. This is fairly creamy and smooth as stouts go, definitely an easy-drinker. You miss out on the spicy-sweet flavors that make other good pumpkin beers appealing, but the combo of slightly-bitter pumpkin flavoring and a rich stout mouthfeel go surprisingly well together. The aftertaste is almost sweet. I wouldn't say this is notable as a pumpkin beer, and probably wouldn't appeal to stout-snobs, but for a fan of both styles with an open mind, this is actually a quite solid entry.

Punkin' Ale - Dogfish Head (DE)
VERDICT: Slightly misleading, but good
Dogfish Head is reliable as always, though with so much competition in this area, not as innovate as with their other offerings. Their Punkin Ale is a rich brown ale, somewhat darker and richer than many other pumpkins. Instead of strong spices or strong pumpkin flavor, they've gone with more of a caramelized brown sugary taste and heavy malts. The pumpkin comes in, but thoroughly blended with all the other flavors, which are hard to tell apart. Very drinkable, and the flavors never become unpleasant, despite the richness.

Night Owl Pumpkin - Elysian Brewing Company (WA)
VERDICT: Debatable
I would wager that few micros have created so many varieties of pumpkin beer as Elysian — a holyshit six, maybe more. Night Owl is a solid entry, though still reliant on spices more than pumpkin, which hits mostly in the aftertaste. The wallop of spices isn't unpleasant, but overall I am reminded of poorly-baked pumpkin bread rather than well-spiced pumpkin pie. I would recommend this on taste, but given the price and quantity (8 dollars for a 22 ounce bottle) there are almost certainly going to be better options.

The Great Pumpkin - Elysian Brewing Company (WA)
VERDICT: Perfect
Now we're getting to what pumpkin beer should be. This would rank in my Top 10 of beers alone, and is the second best pumpkin beer I've had — possibly tied for first depending on my mood. I had this at Blind Tiger in the West Village, so I can't vouch for availability in bottles, but its 7 dollar per-glass price point conveniently discouraged me from sitting there and literally bathing myself in this holy nectar all night, as I otherwise would have done. The pumpkin taste here is strong, finally resembling a thick creamy slice of pumpkin pie, but what made this notable for me is the even leveling of the spices, which never became overwhelming and fade nicely in the aftertaste. This is an incredibly consistent beer. The mouthfeel is neither thin nor overly rich, which makes it go down all-the-more easily. Even at 8% ABV, this beer is dangerously drinkable, and puts Elysian on my list of breweries to keep track of. Delicious.

Pumking Ale - Southern Tier Brewing Company (NY)
VERDICT: Perfect
I really can't say a lot about this beer, it's just... good.  I mean: amazing.  9% ABV that you'll never notice. Insane pumpkin-pie mouthfeel. Thick and rewarding but not syrupy, satisfying from initial onset to the last note, never once timid. Pleasant, lingering aftertaste. What sets this apart from The Great Pumpkin is the complex, shifting pallet of flavors — enough to keep you guessing until the 22 ounce bottle is gone, whereas the former retains a very consistent flavor from beginning to end, top to bottom. This is a daring, adventurous beer, and highly rewarding. When you open Pumking, choirs of angels surge forth from the heavens. Scantily clad women throw themselves upon you because of your remarkable good taste. Probably, at this moment, my all-time favorite beer.  So please don't drink it.  It's only available for about a month of the year, and I want it all.

DARWINIA (BY) ROBERT CHARLES WILSON

Published 1998, 320 pages
Characters: B
Writing: B-
Plot: A / Pacing: D-
Poignancy: C+

It's a rare occasion that a book so full of Really Cool Ideas capsizes due to an immensely obvious and easily-avoided flaw. Most authors understand basic tenets of pacing and plot development, or they're just not very good writers to begin with. I can't recall any book quite like Darwinia, a book otherwise really really good, but suffering from a pacing-choice so bizarre that literally every single review on Amazon mentions it with the caveat: "good except for..."

The basic back-cover gist of Darwinia is that in 1912, all of Europe and the UK are suddenly replaced by a bizarro-land that seems to have evolved along a different timeline than our own. All former inhabitants of the effected areas vanish along with every remnant of old Europe. The continent becomes, in effect, a vast unexplored wilderness. It's an interesting enough premise on its own to sustain an entire narrative, but the author takes the story in a rapidly-escalating sci-fi direction rather than dwell on a potential alternate-history / steampunk spin. Wilson essentially promises the reader from the beginning that all mysteries will be explained scientifically, but it's still jarring when the story totally shifts direction in the second half. Darwinia is an incredibly difficult book to review without giving away major plot points and background, because the book's flaws as well as its brilliance are inseparable from its complicated plot. Therefore, forgive my vagueness.

Essentially, the problem is similar to this. Imagine halfway through The Sixth Sense a titlecard came up that said "INTERLUDE" and M. Night walked up in front of a frozen-screen of the movie. "Okay, here's the deal," M. Night says. "Bruce Willis, in this movie, is a ghost. He's been dead since the beginning. You remember that scene? Yeah, he died. So he can't really die again in the rest of the movie or anything. I wouldn't even worry about it. He's a ghost. Okay."

It's more complicated than that, of course, but that horrifically puzzling storytelling choice would have been as inexplicable as what the author attempts to do here. There is literally a chapter called "Interlude" not even a third of the way through the book, and it gives away the whole gambit all in one nonsensical swoop. The exposition has no connection to the chapters and events surrounding it. The characters in the book are not aware of it. It destroys the drama and danger that follow after. And at first you think, "Well, this sudden sci-fi twist probably couldn't be comprehended by primitive 1920-era characters with no means of understanding such concepts. I guess the author just needed a way to reveal what he couldn't reveal through natural exposition." But no. A hundred pages later, the main character finds out the exact same information, in-story. It's revealed clearly and effectively. There is then another interlude chapter, reiterating the same information. Not only is that first interlude give-away unnecessary, drama-destroying and jarring, but it's fucking redundant! Everything would have worked absolutely fine if he hadn't dropped his ace on the table before the betting even got good.

The further into Darwinia you progress, the more frustrating this really becomes. For one, the Heart of Darknessesque expedition that makes up the first half of the book is quite interesting, even though Wilson is inconsistent with his New World and the dangers it presents. A lot of opportunities for suspense and mystery are ignored or ruined. If the end-game were still a mystery to the reader, as it is to the characters, a lot of the surrealist horror and unexplained happenings would have far more weight. Instead, the world around them is all-but forgotten, becoming trivial and tame.

When Wilson finally drops that second, in-story reveal (which is no longer satisfying for the reader), the story takes the u-turn hinted at earlier and finds its footing once more. The last portion of the book is tightly plotted and intricate in back-story, all of which works surprisingly well given its out-thereness. Wilson truly has some wonderful ideas, even if other variations of the same concept have been done before. This book could easily have been a trilogy, far more epic and detailed than the version Wilson gave us. As it is, the material is given barely-enough attention—making that goddam reveal all the more perplexing. It makes me hope for an alternate Earth in which all of this book (as well as the UK) are replaced with a bizarro version in which Wilson has learned how to pace a novel.

SOME SCATTERED BEER REVIEWS

Beer. Have you had one today? Undoubtedly you have. Scientists have puzzled for thousands of years why our bodies require beer for survival, but one thing is sure: without beer, human beings would not have survived long enough to develop culture, language or art. Over the years many substitutes for beer have been developed, such as wine, Gatorade and water, but all have failed. The finest wines may be fit for farm animals, children and comatose people, but there is simply a no replacement for a good beer.


Creme Brulee Imperial Milk Stout - Southern Tier (NY)
VERDICT: Delicious, exactly what it sounds like
Southern Tier is easily one of my top breweries right now, for the simple reason that they brew an impressive variety of original ales that are always exactly what they promise to be. Many micros try and fail to create quirky experimental beers, but Southern Tier takes them as seriously as any other microbrew takes their signature IPA. The Creme Brulee Milk Stout isn't just a standard stout with some vanilla extract tossed in at the last minute — this is a full-on vanilla / chocolate rush, the closest I've ever had to dessert in a bottle. I wouldn't bother with this unless you're a fan of sweet milk stouts to begin with, as there's no bitterness or hop flavor to be found, and the 10% ABV is absurdly well hidden. This is probably the least beery-beer I've ever had — you could almost convince me that it was some kind of coffee with a drop of kahlua. If you don't mind your beer sweet, dark, rich and tasty, there really is no way to create a more perfect execution of the concept than this. I would gladly savor this any evening, or wake up to it any morning as a refreshing breakfast replacement.

Vanilla Java Porter - Atwater Block Brewery (MI)
VERDICT: Meh
I had this before the Southern Tier above, and my god, they could not be more different. I almost gave up on the idea of a vanilla stout/porter after this. Mediocre, typical porter flavor, weak and thin with a bland mouthfeel, followed by a strange, unpleasant chemical aftertaste. Almost no hint of vanilla, except — perhaps — a very slight artificial note of vanilla extract. Not just bland, but depressingly bad.

90 Minute IPA - Dogfish Head (DE)
VERDICT: Interesting in small portions
Dogfish is right there with Southern Tier in my top breweries, and their IPAs are often considered the best in the country. Their 90 Minute is certainly interesting — rich in flavor like a barleywine, as hoppy as you'd expect, but blended together to create something that isn't overwhelming in any one direction. The best feature of the beer, for me, was the surprisingly controlled level of bitterness. I never felt like the hops were unpleasantly overwhelming, and yet you can taste them clearly, well enough to appease stringent hop-Nazis. I won't get into the whole lore behind Dogfish's brewing process, but essentially the 90 Minute is their middle-tier IPA, clocking in at 9% ABV, and unfortunately that also leaves it in the middle of interesting-but-difficult. Paired with food, this is a very fine, enjoyable beer, but once on its own I found it impossible to finish the second bottle. There are simply too many strong flavors, and though they mix together for an interesting, smooth pallet, it inevitably falls into the trap of all overly-complicated ales: you start to feel like you need to crack open a pilsner to chase the last few sips.

Raspberry Wheat - Southern Tier (NY)
VERDICT: Good for a fruit beer
One of the few Southern Tier varieties available in six-packs, their take on a raspberry wheat is better than most I've tried, though far from the surge of rich flavors that their pumpkin and milk stout provide. The raspberry is strong but not overwhelming or overly-sharp. The beer presence is light, as expected, but not totally lost or watered-down. I'll have to compare a variety of raspberry beers all at once at some point, but this stands out as one of the more memorable ones I've had. Still, fruit-beers in general rarely make a lasting impression, and rarely make good session beers. A good effort and finely-executed, but nothing to rush out and stock up on.

Whitsun - Arcadia Brewing Company (MI)
VERDICT: Recommended
A wheat beer, but very different from others I've had. With added hops and strong citrus overtones, this seems almost a different style entirely from German wheat beers. The hops are remarkably strong for a style in which they're usually all-but absent, though this is still a far cry from an IPA. There are just enough hops to get themselves noticed, which seems perfect. The combination of sour/bitter flavors and strong carbonation creates a pleasant, engaging mouthfeel, and a nice change from simply-sweet wheats and whites while retaining the same appeal.

Woodchuck Fall Cider - Woodchuck Draft Cider (VT)
VERDICT: Terrible. Fuck off. There's none left for you.
Cider? In my beer review blog-entry? It's more likely than you think. I do enjoy ciders, but my experience with them is rather limited. I've tried various brands, but only traditional apple cider, and thus far they kind of taste the same to me — sure, there are subtle differences, but as with wine and very specific beer styles, you mostly find one flavor profile with better-or-worse variations and various eccentricities. However, Woodchuck's Fall Cider — a limited release that, god-willing, soon replaces Vitamin Water, soda and the ocean — is worlds apart from all the rest. Cider is drinkable enough, crisp and light and refreshing, but this — this is goddam crack cocaine. The brave and talented men, women, children and animals at Woodchuck distilled the entire season of autumn and rammed it into a bottle with the fist of god. If you don't like traditional non-alcoholic apple cider, the kind you get at a harvest festival served in a big hollow pumpkin on a picnic table in the midst of a large field where wood-spirits dance gaily in the distance, then you won't like this. There's an immense blast of cinnamon flavor wrapped up in a smooth, satisfying cider body. This isn't a complex drink, but it doesn't have to be. It isn't just drinkable — I mean, this is liquid death. I could probably drink this for six months straight and never get sick of it.  You are playing with the Wrath of God here, my friend. They will one day find me laying face-first in a field of pumpkins, dead and drowned in a puddle of vomit, love and Woodchuck Fall Cider. There will be a smile on my face.

Weihenstephaner Vitus - Brauerei Weihenstephan (GER)
VERDICT: My second favorite beer
Vitus is a weizenbock, which is basically an imperial version of traditional German wheat beers. Vitus clocks in at 7.7% ABV, pours a beautiful murky orange-gold, has a head of foam that you could use as shaving cream, and when you try to drink it, kicks your ass, "borrows" your wallet and marries your (ex)girlfriend. This beer is a work of art. If this beer were sitting in a museum, I would stand in front of it with my hand on my chin, lost in thought. If this beer filled a swimming pool, I would be a better swimmer than Michael Phelps. If this beer filled the ocean, I would live on a small rocky island somewhere in the deep Pacific.  Like many hefes, Vitus tastes of bananas (very strongly, actually) but manages to be extremely complex at the same time. There's a thick spicy-smooth mouthfeel that finishes nicely: dry, sour, almost hoppy. This is the wheat beer to end all wheat beers. If you find the style remotely appealing, you will not regret trying this.

Aventinus - Weissbierbrauerei G. Schneider & Sohn (GER)
VERDICT: Interesting, good
Aventinus is technically the same rare style of wheat beer as Vitus, a weizenbock. I was expecting a lot of similarities, as with most wheat beers, but these two are actually quite different. Where Vitus is a lovely gold, this pours a murky brown, like a belgian. The taste is not unlike some Belgians, too, with a very rich malty taste upfront, and various fruity / citrusy flavors carrying over the underlying wheat-beer profile. At 8% ABV, you can actually taste the alcohol in the aftertaste on this one, but the pallet of flavors is so deep that it's never problematic, and by the end of the sip everything is lost in a rich, sugary smoothness. Whereas Vitus is essentially a strong hefe on steroids, Aventinus is a hefe-base with various layers built over top of it. It works well, becoming even smoother as the beer warms, and I'm glad for this variation, even if it's not as sessionable as many standard hefes.